What Are Abusive Relationships?

Abusive relationships are like all other relationships.

They are an acknowledged connection between two or more people... They can be voluntary or... they can be involuntary

An abusive relationship is most often involuntary (but not always). As you might guess...most people will not allow others to abuse them. You're probably aware that the readiest example is child abuse...where you can appreciate that the child is literally the captive of the abuser.

Other captive involuntary victims could be the elderly who cannot care for themselves the physically disabled who rely on others to move them the mentally disabled those with alzheimer's disease the incarcerated those in mental facilities or imprisoned

With involuntary abusive relationships...part of the abuse is that it is involuntary and the victim can do little to change things.

Abused adolescents often run away from their abusers...but they can't change things for the better. Because we all know...and the teenager finds out fast...that the world is just not set up to take care of a teenager's need for money...food...shelter and clothing.

So...the runaway teen might have to become a thief...a vagrant...a drug user...a prostitute. Forced choices that only add to the life-sapping injustice of the original abuse.

That is to say...there is not really a victim in such a relationship ...only a volunteer.

For the true victim...one in an involuntary relationship...the abuser calls the shots...the hits...the emotional abuse, the sexual assaults. And the victim can do little else but tolerate it all.

Volunteer "victims" only play their role...and their "tormentors" only get to play the abuser role with the permission of...and at the pleasure of...the casting director...the volunteer "victim"...who can leave the abuser. The abuse only takes place while the volunteer "victim" allows it.

And the volunteer victim is the more difficult of the two to deal with.

Example...

Marnie...is a 39 year old nurse practitioner...with a good high paying job in a prestigious research hospital. She did not marry until she was 34...after she established her career. She married Nick...27 years old...blonde...rugged...and sexy. Marnie met Nick at the hospital where she works. She passed him every morning and he flirted with her in a tactful way...which pleased her. Eventually...they began to talk briefly each morning...and as you might guess...there was a strong sexual chemistry between them. They began to date...got engaged despite her family's skepticism and that of her colleagues as well. You might ask...what's the problem...maybe they loved each other. The problem may not be immediately apparent...because you don't have one crucial piece of information. And it's not the age difference.

About ten months after she and Nick were married...Marnie sought a therapist's help. This in itself is a clue that the relationship is unsound. Because... healthy relationships have self-correcting mechanisms to deal with problems and get the relationship back on track.

You may think that it's just social snobbery to say that a construction worker and a nurse practitioner cannot have a healthy relationship. There may be many such happy couples in the world...but Marnie and Nick were not one of them. Nick beat Marnie up on a weekly basis.

The problem was that the relationship was completely unbalanced socially...educationally...and economically. And Marnie's values in each of these areas were completely different from Nick's.

She could not cross those social boundaries and become part of Nick's world anymore than he could cross the boundaries into her world.

See in your imagination and Nick at a party for hospital staff members and their spouses...all talking about things completely foreign to Nick. If they weren't having sex...Marnie and Nick had few other ways to communicate...

He did not know about current events in medical circles...political parties and climate change. He didn't like to wear Armani clothes and eat coq au vin by candlelight off china at a handsome table and sip chardonnay. He preferred to wear a T-shirt and eat meatloaf...mashed potatoes and beer on a tray in front of the TV He didn't want to have children and send them to private school...so they too could out think and out talk him...like their mother.

Well...you get the idea. The non-sexual friction was as intense as the sexual friction.

When a woman is high on the socio-economic ladder...with all that entails...and her mate is much lower on the same ladder...he can only feel inferior when he is constantly reminded...even by a glass of wine...that she is superior to him.

Marnie showed her understanding of this dynamic when she responded...without missing a beat or blinking an eye...to the therapist's question..."How do you get him to beat you?"

You may gasp at that question...but Marnie didn't.

She simply explained how each Friday night she would begin to 'encourage' Nick to go to night school and finish his GED so he could then go on to night school for a college degree and then on to night school for a law degree. Everything she did to make him 'better' himself only goaded him until he lost his temper.

During those 6 sessions...she came to understand that by provoking Nick she was enabling him to have a sense of power and control in the relationship when...in fact...he had none.

She also decided that she would stay with him. "Who would love him if I didn't?"...she asked.

Therapy over. There was no need for it...Marnie was a volunteer...not a victim.

For example...

A minister or a therapist who is 'supportive' of volunteers in abusive relationships...helps a competent person to act incompetently.

There is no psychological or spiritual benefit to the person by encouraging incompetency in relationships.

Ann Landers...the advice columnist...never supported or sympathized with volunteers in abusive relationships...of whatever kind...who wanted her input on whether to stay in...or leave...an abusive relationship.

Ann simply posed the question to her correspondent..."Would your life be better with him or without him? You decide."

Good answer.

What would your answer be if a friend or colleague asked you the same question? You decide.

Or to read more about relationship boundaries you can go from this abusive relationships page to the relationship boundaries page .

And to keep your thinking up to date on the many kinds of boundary issues there are in ministry...you can

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