What Is A Romantic Relationship?

A romantic relationship is pretty easy to define. And every minister or aspiring minister needs to know exactly what it is because...so many romantic relationships between ministers and the laity...have destroyed ministries...as well as families...and have cost the catholic church at least a billion dollars (that's one thousand times one million dollars) in malpractice settlements.

If you have not visited the defining words page...you should do so now to get the most from this discussion. Aristotle's rule for defining any word...and the necessity to do so...is still used today.

So...click on Aristotle's image just below and let Aristotle change your life and the quality of your ministry...by engaging your brain...then use your browser's back button to return here. I'll be here when you get back.

A relationship is...a voluntary...acknowledged...connection between two people

Romance...according to Webster...means...

having little or no basis in fact...imaginary...impractical in conception or plan...visionary...marked by the heroic...adventurous ...remote...mysterious...or idealized.

And therein lies the trap. According to our definition of romance...reality is suspended...the imagined world...the world as it should be is the one you inhabit in a romantic relationship.

And that's as it should be.

Without romance...most of us wouldn't be here. Most marriage relationships start with romance. And that suspension of reality which defines a romantic relationship...allows a couple to get together in a marriage...where the 'realities' about the spouses soon become apparent.

So romantic relationships are necessary for important institutions like marriage and for the procreation of the human race.

In marriages where gestures are made to keep the relationship interesting...and from becoming overwhelmed by economic and family realities...

the couple may find that such romantic gestures (flowers...cards...unexpected gifts...kind words)helps them to a deeper appreciation of each other...and their relationship endures with pleasure amidst all the realities of life.

Needless to say...this running from one romance to another prevents intimacy which takes time...and increasing awareness of another person.

And a purely romantic relationship cannot evolve into a love relationship because love comes from action that can be independent of feelings.

Romance wouldn't happen...except for feelings. When the feelings go...the romance is finished.

Also a romantic relationship requires that people be together on a consistent basis.

Love...that is love based in action...can even survive the beloved person's death. For example...

The simple act of praying for a dead loved one...telling the good stories about them at family gatherings...visiting the grave of a departed loved one...are all loving actions that honor a departed person.

Hard to have a romance with someone six feet under...or on the mantle in a container. When a romance is over...you move on to the next one.

Love never has to be over.

Romance...an idealized idea about someone only vaguely connected to reality by imagination...is responsible for the loss of most ministries...and the hundreds of millions paid out in claims against ministers.

The only romance that can rightly take place in a minister's life is if that minister is married...or engaged to be married...or looking to get married.

A Roman Catholic deacon can be married. A Roman Catholic priest cannot. In fact the priest takes a solemn oath to the bishop that he will not marry.

That solemn oath then precludes all of the courting behaviors that facilitate finding a marriage partner...dating and romance. The catholic priest then must be chaste as well as unmarried.

It is in violation of relationship boundaries defined by marriage covenants of married ministers...and by the ordination covenants of priests...that creates life-altering boundary problems...that lead to loss of ministry...scandal...and even bankruptcy.

But other problems come from seeking romance by people who shouldn't.

For example...

When a minister becomes involved with a married person...there is also harm to that person's spouse and children.

Families can be...and have been...irretrievably harmed by ministers seeking the excitement of romance in the wrong places...with the wrong people...for the wrong reasons.

Follow the link from this romantic relationship page to the romance in spiritual direction page...for an example of a priest romancing a seminarian under the guise of doing spiritual direction ministry.

Ideally...romance should lead to something good for both parties. When it is clandestine and done under the color of religion...it can only lead to harm.

So ministers who only think of 'being in relationship' with others need to understand that 'relationship' is a genus...and there are many species of relationship...including a romantic relationship...

and not every relationship is consistent with the requirements of ministry...

which we have defined on our homepage as...

religious actions...that bring both minister and people closer to God.

If you'd like to contact us with your comments...questions or opinions...we would love to hear from you.

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